Making Dinner With Marina

Lucia left me home with Marina several times because Marina’s not allowed home alone. She told Marina to make mashed potatoes and fry beef and I should sit in the kitchen and help her with any problems. Marina’s self-confidence was zero. Absolute zero. Non-stop she was saying,

“It’s going to taste bad and nobody will like it. They’ll all throw up and then they’ll kick me out and I’ll live on the street and fall under a train. It’s my first time. If you don’t like it it’s my first time. Nobody will like it. I don’t know how big to cut them - I need to call Lucia. You aren’t doing it right. I’m not going to eat it. It’ll be terrible and I won’t eat it. I’m afraid. I can’t do this. I’ll just quit and then Lucia will be mad at me. Nobody will like it…”

I’m just like “Marina, you’re doing fine. They’ll like it. It’s OK. It’s just mashed potatoes. They look great…” And she would not believe me, wouldn’t even listen. I knew she was just going to have to wait and see for herself that it would be ok. The stream of negative thinking just kept coming out of her mouth. It was like listenng to the devil in your head saying “you are going to fail.” She was completely too stressed to do two things at once, so I took over the beef and I was a little nervous cuz I’ve never done anything with Russian canned meat before but I was just interested to see how it would turn out. I realized I wasn’t afraid to fail. And Marina wasn’t free to fail at all. It was emotionally exhausting, much more time with her and I would have started to believe we’d end up smashed under trains.

Eventually I found Gary watching soccer and said “this is the seventeenth time she’s said no one will like it. Please walk into the kitchen and tell her you think you will like it.” Gary sauntered over and said, “smells delicious, good job.” Marina stopped complaining for two minutes. Then she started again. She said there weren’t going to be enough potatoes, which did look like it might be true. I said, “Marina, I am going to pray for you.” She stopped talking. I said, “Dear Heavenly Father, I think this looks and smells great and I will like it, but Marina is worried about it. Please give her peace Lord, in Jesus name. And please let there be enough for everyone. In Jesus name amen.” That got me another two minutes and some peace for myself, and then Pam came out and gave her a hug and said she loved mashed potatoes and Marina started smiling, and then we said it was her first mashed potatoes and took photos for Lucia, who said they looked beautiful.

Whoever cooks says grace, so Marina prayed and thanked God that it had been ok, and we all enjoyed the potatoes. Then I had to go lie down. I was praying I wouldn’t get sick from the anxiety and then she’d think it was her food. I told Gary “those were spiritual warfare potatoes” and he said God had multiplied them like Jesus’ loaves in answer to my prayer, and Marina has swallowed the words spoken over her, that she can’t do anything right and she will fail.