I'm Back!

I arrived home at 8 something pm on Saturday evening.

There were two short-term missionaries, Nancy and Dave, staying at our apartment for two weeks and leaving at the same time I was, so Vova drove as all to the airport at 4 am. Nancy and I stayed up to sleep on the plane. My first flight, to Munich, there was nobody next to me and I slept.

My second flight there was a woman next to me and I asked her "do you speak English" and she said, "no." So I figured she was German. Except when all the German flight attendants came by she just pointed, so I didn't know what she was. She pulled out a magazine with some Russian letters, though it wasn't Russian, and I asked, "Russki?" and she said, "No, Bulgarski." Then they gave us customs declarations form and she asked me if I could write it for her, and the Bulgarian word for "write" was the same as the Russian. She gave me her passport and a letter from her daughter explaining that her mother was traveling to visit her in Florida and what kind of visa she had and etc. Of course the customs form wanted to know the value of her property and whether she was bringing livestock and other intersesting questions that I just guessed on. She understood the Russian word "money" and "birth day" and I felt very smart that I could speak Bulgarian too, ha ha.

In Chicago I made my first purchase with American money in 3.5 monthes. I got dried mango - isn't that random? It was snowing but we boarded on time and then waited over an hour for freezing rain and I figured my parents were panicking but there was nothing I could do to tell them so I went to sleep. The captain was coming on saying "thank you for your patience, we are at the mercy of Mother Nature," so I just said, "Father... you know better than that. Please get me home." And He did.

At home I have been in this time warp, it's so weird. They left my dresser untouched and on the top of it was my last minute packing list to leave for Russia! I noticed everything that is different in the house since August 16 - "oh, you got a new frying pan!" and they're like, "we did?"

I think the biggest shock was how differently they responded to gifts then the orphans like Katya that I'd been getting used to. On my last week I took Katya and developed 50 of the photos she'd taken of herself on my laptop so she'd have them, which she really really wanted, and then we went to another movie. My last night I asked Vera, "Katya has been nice to me for over a week now - is it because she knows she's getting rid of me?" Vera said, "You developed her pictures and took her to a movie, you could live here in peace for another year. You've showed her that she matters to you. It's the psychology of children without a mother. They have no security inside and you have to prove that you care about them, because nobody needs them. Now that you have, she'll stand up for you if anyone speaks against you." Katya had even said, when returning my earrings, "I wish you wouldn't leave, who will I borrow earrings from?" and when I bought Kristina a birthday present, "I wish you would be here until my birthday!" I was glad of what Vera said because sometimes it felt like buying love. Gulia too, I would wonder if she loved me or just my things. Katya did also say however that she wants me to visit when she has her own place someday, and she wants me to email her.

Then I had bought all sorts of presents and souvenirs for my family, and they didn't even want to open my suitcase! My sisters pinned me down on the sofa and said, "give us presents later, first we just want to talk to you and hug you and kiss you and see that you're real!" I'm thinking, you love me just for who I am without giving you anything? and then, why is that so strange and amazing to me now?

Then I was talking to my mother and I said something like, "I'm getting a drink of water would you tozhe like some?" and she said "what?" and I said "also, also also! would you also like some? I can't believe I said that!" And when I was alone with my dog I started speaking Russian to him.

For my first breakfast I couldn't pick what kind of cereal. I ended up eating three little bowls instead of one big one so I could have all of them. My sisters thought I was nuts.

I can still drive, praise the Lord.

I feel very loved.

Victories in Russian

I have achieved some amazing skills right before going home where I no longer need them. An American named Dave is here helping us finish the apartment repairs, and he wanted to buy fabric softener and a special instrument to remove the wallpaper. He explained the instrument as "a roller with spikes to punch holes in the wallpaper." Complicated enough in English, and I didn't know the word for either roller or spikes.

I told Vera, "Dave wants a liquid that you put in laundry to make it soft" and she understood that, phew. They sent me and Max, who has had one semester of Russia, to the little "home products" store to buy fabric softener, see if they had a spiked roller, and if not, ask where we could find one. Which means we'd have to ask for directions, understand them, and follow them.

The conversation between me and Max was something like this:

"Well, those bottles with kittens and babies on them are definitely fabric softener. Which one do we want?"

"Probably the strongest, since we're trying to destroy wallpaper."

"I'd guess the one without pictures of kittens and babies is the strongest."

"But if it doesn't have kittens and babies, it might not be fabric softener. I think it's floor cleaner."

"OK then, kittens or babies?"

"Kittens are cheaper, let's go kittens."

I ask the woman for a bottle of that stuff on the far left. Success one.

Then we look around. There are only sponge paint rollers and one roller in a box.

"Maybe that has spikes on it. Let's ask if we can see inside the box," suggests Max.

"I'm almost positive that is a roller for shoe polish, because everything else in the case with it is shoe polish." We laugh at how Dave would like rolling shoe polish all over the wall.

"OK, here's my strategy. I'm going to read on those paint rollers what the word for 'roller' is. Then when we go to the other store, I'll be able to ask for 'a roller with sharp things on it.'" I figured it would be whatever word that all the paint rollers had in common. But I couldn't see them close enough (these little stores keep everything behind the counter so that foreigners have to learn how to say the word for everything before they can have it).

I asked the woman in Russian if she knew where they sold instruments for removing wallpaper. She said if we turned right, there was a shop just around the corner called something very difficult like "mstrOKE." I kept repeating this sound as we went around the corner, hoping I'd recognize it. I couldn't picture how it would be written. I had this nagging feeling that it was the Russian pronounciation of something in English."Do you remember what the store was called?" "something 'oak' - sorry I wasn't listening."

The sign around the corner said "Master OK." Then we laughed. "Oh, it's 'master' and 'OK'!" "Stupid Russian lady," said Max kindly.

Inside I saw clearly printed that a roller was a "rolik." I asked for a rolik with teeth to take off wallpaper. The man said he had roliks with teeth for doing something else I did not understand, and we said that would be fine. We took a beautiful spiked metal roller and a bottle with kittens on it home, where Dave said they worked better than anything he had in America.

I am so amazing.

back from Moscow

I had a wonderful time and visited a lot of museums with my friend Katya. The work there is going gangbusters with English club, Spanish club, the Alpha Course, and a church plant. I definitely miss that place.

praise about Katya

On the vacation Vera and I discussed my doing something with Katya and we went to the aquarium together and then bought food and went to a movie. She asked me, "why are you doing this with me? I am bad." I was floored. I've been trying to do good for her for so long and not finding anything I could do, and I had given up hope, and tried to just avoid her, and then tried again because avoiding her wasn't serving Vera, and this was so much grace. Maybe if it had happened like in a moralizing story book where K is mean and E responds with kindness and K melts I'd feel like, aren't I amazingly Christlike? But this was just my inability and Katya's inability and grace. Which is what it still is, every day. Thank you for praying, I know that's part of this.

Then Vera assigned her to write her life story, and she read it to me. I didn't expect her to, but she finally shared with me. She made me stare at a jar of peanut butter the whole time she read it cuz she said she couldn't read it if I looked at her - it was so funny.

Nothing is hopeless. Praise God that He is alive and doing things!

going to Moscow

I have tickets traveling with a group going to a church conference. I leave Thursday night and arrive in Moscow Friday morning, and I return Sunday night to Monday morning. I will be staying with a missionary I knew before and visiting friends there.

Poem

My King of Thorns

Why did it have to be a crown
Of thorns pressed upon His head?
It should have been a royal one
Made of gold and jewels instead.
It had to be a crown of thorns,
Because in this life that we live
For those who would seek to love,
A thorn is all the world has to give.
– Michael Card

I know that you are hurting me
Because someone else hurt you;
I feel like they pierced you with thorns
And the thorns went through you
And they stick out the other side,
Pricking all who would try to get close to you.

And I see my King crowned with thorns;
The hurtful words passed around the world
Go into Him and do not come out again,
Melted away in His love and pain.

I can’t let myself hear your barrage of criticism
Or I’ll start to believe I’m ugly and stupid and worthless.
I feel like you are giving me a hedge of thorns
And hidden in its center is the one true word
That I should hear and change, the real reason you resent me,
But it hurts too much to dig through thorns with bare hands
And find it.

“That is not your job,” says my King. “It is her job to tell you.”
So I grab His hand and walk towards you and ask you,
“Have I sinned against you? Are you angry at me about something I can apologize for? And if not, please stop treating me like you hate me.”
We pull some thorns up. I think they’ll grow back.
But maybe we got some by the roots. Love believes all things.

I can’t move tonight
I’m lying here paralyzed, surrounded by walls of bristling thorns.
And my King reaches into the thorns and pushes them away
So I can walk through.
And I know for certain that I am beautiful, precious, and forgiven,
Or He would not have such bleeding hands for me.
And for you.
For you.
You.

How beautiful you are, my Thorn-King! How I love you!
We shall walk together in a smooth and flowering world
When you have taught us the bloody price of love.

I'm Back

- this is the fall break vacation week for the school kids and Gulia is with Olya and Pastor Sasha. I'm trying to spend time with her and with Kristina, my other friend from an orphanage.
- Galina wanted to come to church with me but got sick. Pray God will protect her from everything that would prevent her, and that she will come and plug in and grow.
- I'm trying to go to Moscow to visit friends my last weekend - pray God provides the right travel companion.

Big Change: Katya M, a girl from Lucy's home on her second year of the program, has been sent to live with our home to help with the more difficult Katya B I've been living with and any new girls that move in. Pray for our relationship. It's a huge help to have her around, but I need to get a vision for helping her too.

Pray for my relationship with Katya B. She's at camp for the break, a "Encounter with God" trip that we're hoping really benefits her. I'm getting busier and busier as my time remaining here gets smaller and smaller, and I've seen her very little. The more I avoid her, the easier it is to want to keep avoiding her. Things may be better (see poem) but I haven't had enough time with her to even see. Pray God will give me love for her and the right way to express it, and the bravery to not just hang out with people who do not hurt me.

Pray for a large group of kids from another dormitory that are now hanging out with us.

On Saturday I perform a worship dance for an assembly of the family homes, orphans and graduates, and many unbelievers. Pray for these popular gatherings every Saturday, and praise for the many kids who want to come to us. Last week Lucy shared her testimony.

Pray for a third Katya, a young single mom living with an abusive brother. She doesn't want to stop smoking to live in our program, and we'd have to find space for the little girl too. But she is attending church and really connected with Pam, and we had her for a night when her brother was drunk and really enjoyed her. I asked prayer for this girl my first week and didn't think I'd ever meet her.

Another big change: Another American college student, Max, is now living at the boys' home.

Olya, the girl who disappeared and I was so upset about her, returned, read my letter, said hello, and has disappeared again. I now have a cell phone number that so far hasn't worked. Pray for her and a possible phone call and maybe meeting!

Pray for Galina and her daughter Katya

Please PRAY for Galina and Katya:

- that I would know how much time to spend with them
- that I'd know which church to invite her to
- that Galina would go to church with me and meet other believers and really connect with some
- that she would not be snatched into any cults or deceptions
- that her daughter Katya would be opened to God as well
- that God would use both my last month with Katya, email correspondance in future, and other believers in her life

"the chocolate game" - try this at home

this is the funniest, most bonding game! we placed a bar of delicious Russian chocolate and a knife and fork on the floor, and you had to put on a coat, hat, scarf, and gloves, and with the knife and fork eat as much chocolate as you can before the next player, who has been furiously rolling a die this whole time, rolls a six. As soon as he does, he takes the coat from you and the next guy gets the dice, and he hopes he gets a bite before the next guy rolls six. It's fast-paced and furiously frustrating - I didn't get a single bite! Aargh!

Prayer requests

- For litle Marina, who now won't acknowledge that she knows Lucy or anyone from her former family when they visit the dorm.

- For three Natashas, a Katya, Vika, Kolya, Lyosha, and Kseniya who went on a field trip from the dorm to the palace in Pushkin with us on Monday.

- for the American pen pals I have introduced to writing to Kristina and her class.

- for my Thursday night visit to Galina, an acquaintance from America, and her daughter Katya.

- for Masha and Natasha, two girls I met in the park who want to stay in touch and find out more about America.

How I drank 8 cups of tea in one day

I got up and made myself breakfast. It was very cold and there was nothing else to drink, so I had a cup of tea and went to teach my English class at the seminary. We had an interesting conversation about how Russian culture is more emotional.

Afterwards I had lunch in their cafeteria, plov and tea and cookies. They all eat first and then drink tea. Vera told me they are taught that your stomach will rot if you eat and drink at the same time. I still can't eat without drinking anything, it gets all dry in my throat, so I had a cup of tea while I ate and another one while the other people did.

Usually I meet with my friend Sasha for mutual language practice after lunch, but she couuldn't do it so I went across the street to the seminary students' communal apartment to visit Olga, the pastor's wife and the friend of my Gulia. She was home all day cuz baby Matthew had a cold, and they were building an amazing city out of toys. She said, "Hello! Play with him a moment and I'll make tea." Which means, "we can sit and talk about what's going on in your life," so I didn't protest. We had a long conversation about everything from the problems in their church to giving to beggars to relating to Yuliya and Katya to plans for Gulia to her post-partum depression, and I drank two more cups of tea.

I decided to wait for her sister Nadia to come from her college of psychology, so I studied while she put Matthew down for his nap. Nadia was late so I went and drank another cup of tea while she did dishes, and she told me about her husband's salvation story and her experiences in college. Then Nadia arrived, bearing milk and cake "for tea."

I declined this one and just had the cake and some milk while we talked. Then Pastor Sasha came home and so I gave in and had tea and he told me about their trip to evangelize in the villages this weekend, his father's ten years in prison, the difference between real Russian Orthodoxy and what most Russians believe, why he found it easier to work with American missionaries then Korean ones ("American culture is Protestant, but Korean culture is Eastern and Christianiy is new and there are lots of problems" - so interesting).

Then I went home to meet our guest, Larry from America, the supporter who bought this apartment. We had dinner and tea, and then showed him pictures of the repairing and redocarating process, then had more tea, and then he played the guitar. He played "Starry Night" about Van Gogh's suicide, only about Jesus.

"I think that now I understand
What you tried to say
They didn't listen then, they did not know how,
Perhaps they will listen now."

I was just thinking about the orphans we can't reach, those who don't want help, and the endless people on the metro. I have started looking at their faces as they sail by on the escalator, instead of their flashy clothes, and thinking, "the faces of people God loves." They are beautiful faces.

"It doesn't really fit," Larry told me. "I need to change the line, 'you took your life, as lovers often do.' Van Gogh killed himself after being kilted by a woman."

"Oh really? I thought it was talking about Jesus laying down His life, you know, 'no greater love has any man than this...'"

"That's it! That's the lyric, 'you gave your life, as lovers often do.'" And he started to cry. "You've ruined it for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to sing that again without crying. He loved us so much! You know, before I started coming to Russia, I cried at my wedding or if I hit my thumb with a hammer. But now something has been opened inside of me, I cry a lot more."

"Me too," I said. "Today on the metro I saw a woman reading a zodiac, and I almost started weeping because she was so lost and it hurt me."

I love it here. It's like you take all this tea and melt a little piece of your soul off and share it together in the cold.

Looking Foolish, Seeing Grace

I have now looked stupid in front of so many people I will never see again, I can just start laughing about it any time I want to.

There was the time I walked a whole block waving my arm behind my back trying to find my other sleeve.

The time standing in line that I dropped a bag of cookies but had my hands too full of milk to pick them up again, so I just moved them along between my feet like a penguin.

The time the clerk asks me to make exact change and I completely blank out as to understanding what amount she wants, so I just hold all my coins out for her to pick some.

The time I swiped my metro card and then got stuck in the turn stile and lost 14 rubles and ten minutes waiting for the card to work a second time.

The time I got stranded in an Estonian train station and couldn’t not cry.

The time I walked the wrong direction to check-out in the tiny confusing supermarket and was accused of shoplifting.

Dostoyevsky is sitting outside the grocery store, larger than life and granite. I want to just stop and talk to him for awhile, because I’m sure he doesn’t believe I was trying to shoplift. I’ll tell him that I had lived on this street for nearly two months before Vera pointed out to me the sign that says, “”The Brothers Karamazov was written in this building.” I’ll tell him I nearly fainted. I’ll ask him how he ever thought of such a work on this street, that I’d have written “how not to get run over at the traffic light outside my window.” Was it so very different? I’ll ask. Or did you just know how to look at it differently?

Then there was the time I had a box of shoes and two bags of clothes and I bought bread and milk and forgot to ask for a bag (they cost an extra three rubles), and the clerk wouldn’t sell me a bag after she’d rung up the food. So I tried to put half the clothes in with the shoe box and the food with the clothes - and out on the sidewalk the bags broke and there was me kneeling on the sidewalk, clothes and milk and bread spread out around me, laughing and trapped.

I had an overwhelming sensation that I needed the good Samaritan to walk by at that moment, and that God would send him, that everything was fine. Because I couldn’t stay in the middle of the sidewalk for the rest of my life for lack of a plastic bag, and I couldn’t do anything else. I felt like I was outside of my life watching a funny movie. And that God who forgave sins and parted seas couldn’t overlook the matter of a bag, and must have a bag from eternity past prepared to give me, a bag that He’d get to me somehow.

So I looked up, and there was a woman pulling a grocery bag out of her purse. “Wait, Sasha,” she said to her little boy. She held it open and I piled the clothes and groceries and broken bags into it. It felt as strong as the hand of God. “Thank you,” I said. She smiled and walked away. Then I started to cry for gladness, that the good Samaritan had stopped and I had seen her. That she had seen me, and seen what I was feeling, and known what she’d have wanted another to do for her, and done it. It was so very beautiful, I saw the whole world with hope that grace and compassion are still at work in it.

And when I go back to America, the first time a cashier thoughtlessly piles my groceries into free plastic bag after free plastic bag, I am going to kiss her.

Vera and Vova

My Russian host parents, dressed up for the kids' first day of school.

Vasilitsa

the little girl who cried when I put her down at the pre-orphanage placement "hospital shelter"

the deaf guys

Marina's mashed potatoes (see Aug 26 post)

Gary, Pam, Kolya, Misha, Lucia

Gary and Pam are American counselors, Kolya Russian counselor, Misha boy in the boys' family home, Lucia Russian counselor.

the girls at Lucia's apartment in August

Lyuda, Lucia, Liza, Katya,
Me, Marina

Olya, Guliya, Me, Sasha with little Matthew, and friend Kirill at the beach

Prayer for Vera’s Decision about Katya

The only way Katya can continue to live here full time, despite being still a minor, is if Vera adopts her. Vera is able to do this, only now she has to decide if she’s willing to. After this she can’t say, “respect me and my children or I will take you back to the orphanage.” Vera has given Katya a long list of improvements in her behavior before the day of deciding, but afterwards she doesn’t know what she’ll be like. And she is “tired of having this spiritual war in my home."

Weekend in Komorova, “The Father’s Love”

I have been visiting the Vineyard church, and they had a church retreat this past weekend in the countryside by the bay. I wanted to go and Vera decided it would be good for Katya, whom she has been trying to get to make good friends instead of sitting at home, so she told her she had to go and to find five positive things to say about it. One of the deaf guys (Lyosha that I told you about coming to church) and the sign language interpreter came too.

I didn’t have a very relaxing time because I was feeling responsible for Katya being there, and as the only person she really knew responsible to hang out with her and help her meet people. I kept facing these kinds of questions: When she walks out in the middle of a worship service, should I go after her and invite her to come back? Or order her to come back? Or let her go? When everybody else is socializing and I want to be with them but she is sitting alone watching TV should I go watch TV with her or try to get her to come back or just do what I want to do?

Otherwise it was a beautiful time. We walked by the sea and played Dutch Blitz and fed horses and went to the Banya and had a baptism and praised and prayed together. The seminar was on the topic of the Father’s Love, and the speaker talked about how Jesus’ power came not because He was God but because He lived as a human being who knew the Father, and His Father “loved Him and showed Him everything that He does.” Then he spoke of how hard the enemy works to destroy people knowing and believing and experiencing that, through sin and lies and earthly fathers that fail, and how different kinds of fathers give different misconceptions about God, and how to release and forgive your earthly father and turn to your heavenly Father. It was very powerful and a lot of people were crying.

The speaker said to imagine your earthly father was standing before you, and to tell him how he had hurt you and that you forgave him. Here I write a tribute to my father. I realized in that moment that I have nothing to forgive, not because my father was perfect, but because he never wronged me without asking me to forgive him before the sun went down. And this is so blissfully simple and attainable, yet the effect is the same as if you had been perfect, and I have no regrets except that I did not spent every minute of the last 19 years appreciating you, as I appreciate you now that I am far away.

I'm back!

I was in the countryside at a church retreat Friday - Sunday, and I was sick Monday - Wednesday, so I've been silent for awhile!

Beautiful Things

On Saturday I went to see Gulia with Pastor Sasha and Olya and two-year-old Matthew, and their friends Kostya and Tanya. We bought two fried chickens and took her to the beach for a picnic. It was so beautiful. I will remember this forever. I didn't realize how much I've been in the city until I was out of it - I felt like I could eat the trees!

She was so happy to see Matthew she paid very little attention to the rest of us. But after we took a bunch of pictures on the beautiful white sand, she wanted to take some too, which was like her old self. They so feel like a complete family when they're together. I think I'd do anything to bring this about.

One of the deaf boys, Lyosha, came to church with Sveta the translator (I later found out he'd been at a morning service and the afternoon service). They were sitting in front of me and she was helping him read the songs on the overhead and sign the words. I wondered what it was like to have only four other people that you could communicate with. I wondered at what age he learned a sign for "God" and what it meant within that world of four people, if it was a joke or a swear word or a history lesson or a mystery, if he had wondered about it, if anybody had ever signed to him or he'd ever thought of anything like what he was signing now: that God loved him, cared about him every moment, made him, died for him, gives life.

Sveta had told me she didn't know how long he'd stay, but he stayed for the whole thing. She signed the sermon, but it was a complex one about what the Old Testament temple worship symbolizes for us,that would require a lot of explanation if you had never heard of the old testament and temple. Lyosha signed back to Sveta a lot - they were just talking and talking about something in that message, I have no idea what. I saw that an advantage of being deaf and speaking sign language is that you can talk all through church and not disturb your neighbors. He looked very serious and moved.

Sveta is on the team of people who prays for anyone who wants after the service, and Lyosha went up and they laid hands on him and prayed, and he closed his eyes and stood there, although he couldn't hear the prayers. Maybe he could feel them.

I want to see God move with power and reach into Lyosha's silent world, and place Gulia in the family that's waiting for her.

You know what to do.

Changes!!

Wow.

My English class of two students is going up to EIGHT! Everybody who has free time wants to audit it and learn some English!

We're rearranging: Lena and Kolya, the boys' home counselors, and Lucia, the other girls' home counselor, are going to combine and run the other girls' home. Pam and Gary, the American couple, with the help of Max, an American student coming soon, are running the boys home and taking the deaf boys.

I'm meeting a teacher named Natasha for my first Russian lesson tomorrow.

I am now a seminary professor, ha ha!

I taught my first Beginner's English class on Thursday. I had two middle-aged pastors, and the one's wife will be joining us next week. I taught them the alphabet, subject and object pronouns, and the verb love so we practiced "He loves her, they love us," etc. I divided the alphabet up into letters that are identical in English and Russian, those that sound different but look the same, those that look different but sound the same, and those that are entirely different. They got it really fast. I know that only works cuz I know their language. Then we memorized 1 John 4:19 "We love Him because He first loved us." For the pronouns we pointed at each other in different combinations and said, "he, she, we, you, they" until they could do it without looking at the paper.

I ate lunch with the seminary students in their cafeteria and two are interested in helping the mission I work with! This is such a God thing - I felt like He really gave me all the ideas, and also that He put me in this place where I'm blessing them and they're blessing me.

I got to see the ballet Swan Lake last night!

Prayer and Praise:

- We're trying to get permission for Tanya to move out of the dorm and into our home sooner than three months, but now
it's coming out that she is afraid of going to church.

- Natasha has been invited - pray for her decision!

- We could get documents for Kristina to come on weekends, but Katya doesn't like her. This is so hard. I love Katya. I love Kristina. I don't want Katya to make Kristina's weekend miserable. I want to get Kristina plugged in with people who will be here longer than Dec 1. I want to figure out what Katya is resenting about Kristina and deal with it somehow. I find myself concealing from Katya when I visit Kristina. Oh help God!

- Now two Russian girls and one British woman want to help our ministry - pray we can schedule a meeting for them.

- Lucia and Vera have a very different approach to new girls. Lucia says to treat them like princesses, buy them ice cream and keep verifying that you love them and want them and think they're beautiful, get them to visit and build a strong friendship before mentioning the rules or attending church. Explain church is a fun concert where everybody loves God and we need you to help us. Anything to not scare them away, and not associate it with their negative preconceptions. Vera says if she was invited to a home she would want to know up front what she was in for, and that there is no point in having girls come for a few months, find out about work and boundaries and then leave. They can make that decision up front. And so she explained to Natasha the whole policies, why she loves God and wants her girls to learn about Him, how much work the girls must do and how she wants to help them, why she believes not having sex before marriage is best for her girls, what a family is about and what they're trying to give them. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time. But Lucia is afraid it has scared Natasha away. Pray for the relationship between Vera and Lucia through this, for the best balance to emerge, and for Natasha to not be scared away.

- Vika came to Swan Lake with us along with her boyfriend. They were so absorbed in each other that we didn't really bridge to them in any way and I was going to give this one up, but at the very end I found out she's trying to teach herself English and maybe would want to meet with me for that.

- On Saturday I'm going to see Gulia together with Olya and Sasha for the first time

- On Sunday at home my little sister is getting baptized without me!

Prayer Requests

- I'm taking my first exam this Friday. This is for my Old Testament survey course online from school at home. After this I have an exam every two weeks. Pray I can study without feeling like I should be spending time with people, and spend time with people without stressing about the studying... you know.

- I believe I will teach this English class. It is at the seminary, four adults, three men and two women, who have not yet learned anything in English. So I'll be starting with the alphabet and "my name is." But I am really creeped out that I am 19 years old and teaching graduate school... and I have to buy some appropriate clothes... Pray I can really bless and help these servants of God by teaching them some English, and that He'll help me with everything.

- Several times now orphans have asked me to lie for them or at least keep silence while they lie. I took Kristina back after dinner at our house and she wanted me to go in with her so the counselor wouldn't yell about our being late, so I did, and she said, "Let's say we went walking over the bridge and ate at a cafe, because I didn't get a release form to go to your home." I said, "I will not say something untrue, so let's hope she will not ask." She said, "She'll ask - we're late." I went up the stairs praying, because what could I do if Kristina said we went to a cafe and the counselor turned and asked me "Is this true?" and I had to say "No"? PRAISE the Lord the counselor did NOT ask anything or mention that we were late! But pray for these sticky situations!

Little Marina

I’ve been waiting for news on this front. Little Marina that I cooked with, who left the family home and went back to the sewing school dorm with the other orphans, is still there. She did go to the camp for the weekend with the girl Tanya who wanted to meet boys. I don’t know if Tanya still abuses her and what role fear has in all this. Marina is becoming angry and beginning to swear. She now has a boyfriend who drinks and she has given him her money. She apparently got her allowance from the government and now has a lot of friends because they want her money. This is beginning to remind me of the story of the prodigal son.

I saw her Thursday with Lucia, Pam and Gary. She seemed her normal self and gave Pam a big hug, only when invited home she insisted she had “a lot to do.” Pam just kept assuring her that we wait and she can always, always come home. Pam says sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can come up, and just prays nothing bad will happen to her in the meantime. This boy stuff is disturbing because she is childlike, Lucy used to say she was like an 8 year old.


Others News from the Dormitory

Sad news: our Tanya who wants to live with us can’t move out for another three months after she turns 18, her dorm said. Vika from the dorm spent the weekend with Lucia and Natasha had agreed to spend it with us, but didn’t answer our phone calls.

The four deaf boys are staying in the boys transition home for a visit because their hallway is being painted and they were getting sick from the smell and the cold from opening the windows. We always have such a jolly time with them! I have learned the Russian sign language for red, green, yellow, blue, and “UNO!”

There is a wonderful Christian woman named Sveta whose parents were deaf and she translates for us into their sign language. She wants to get them away from their isolated room on a three-day church retreat.

Still no news of Olya. I’ve written a letter giving her my number and telling her I am praying for her and want to help her, and I want to leave this with her counselor at the dorm.


Other News in General

I visited Gulia again, and it was much better this time. I think it was cuz I was over the emotional shock and it was just another visit to a friend in an orphanage, not that anything has changed. She has a new roommate who doesn’t clean up and hoards things they both get in trouble, so she said she was struggling with anger. Now her counselors are realizing it’s the other girl’s fault and things are getting better.

Kristina came over this weekend. I asked her if she’d like to come to church with me and to my surprise she was agreeable, only she can’t get permission to leave early enough in the morning. Pray I can take her to an afternoon service sometime.

See a Video of Me!

Liz H's blog is lizinstpete.blogspot.com and she posted videos of us teaching English at the orphanage. I had to say I was ten because they don't know higher numbers! We're trying to get them to introduce themselves in English for the camera.

My Week

Monday – used the internet at MIR, went over for dinner to Chuck and Alicia, Wycliffe Trainees who studied Russian with me in the states last year.

Tuesday – figured out how to bake muffins here, went to a potluck dinner with British and Canadian workers (I’ve never been the only American in a group of English speakers before!)

Wednesday – went to an orphanage with Liz H. to see how she teaches English there

Thursday – I’m writing this now, then I’m going back to the dorm with Lucia and to buy Tanya a birthday gift.

Friday – I plan to meet with Galina, the orphanage worker who I met in America this summer, and her daughter Katya. Then we’re throwing a big 18th birthday for Tanya at our house.

Saturday – I hope to either go back to visit Gulia or to see the Harbor, a similar ministry that works with orphanage graduates.

New Ideas and Prayer Requests

The other women at the potluck are all studying Russian with a teacher or tutor, through a language school or privately, and I think I want to try this. Pray I could find a teacher that would be good for me.

Hopefully Tanya will move in with us after her birthday. Two other girls that Lucy met at the dorm, Vika and the Natasha age 15 that I wrote of earlier, are interested. We need to finish the last room for me to live in, and then we’ll have space for another girl to live with Katya and Tanya. Before that I can stay with the little boys. Either way I am no longer in the same room with the girls and will have to be intentional about visiting their room and inviting them into mine so we aren’t isolated. I’m worried about this being a lot harder. Pray about this.

Olya and Sasha want to get permanent custody of Gulia so she can live with them all the time and study at regular school. This is a lot of red tape; pray it is possible!!!!!

Olya and Sasha’s church has a small Christian school that is short of an English teacher, and they’ve invited me to teach my first real English class once a week for four people. I don’t know what ages.

Prayer for Kristina

Kristina is a 14 year old girl that I met in Katya's orphanage through the bowling event, and we hung out a lot together this weekend. She has a 7 and a 4 year old sister at another orphanage. She was just transferred away from them at the beginning of the school year - and they were just put into the system this year. Their mother has to commute as far as Moscow as part of her work and couldn't keep them after the divorce of their bad father, but it seems like they still have a good relationship with her and visit her.

Kristina she took me into the orthodox cathedral to show me, and showed me how to cross myself, how to light a candle, where Jesus was pictured. She said she doesn't believe in God but still likes to go into the cathedral, and she does believe Jesus existed. I know that's like, "duh, no atheist denies that," but it seemed like a first step of faith for her. At last she said it was making her too sad to be their because it reminded her of her grandmother who died.

She is very behind in school, I'm getting conflicting reports of how much, but doesn't seem lacking in intelligence, so it's probably their labeling thing again.

Prayer for Tanya

Tanya turns 18 on Friday and then she can move in with us. She is very gentle and cooperative but hasn't really opened up about how she feels and thinks about living in our family. She went with us to a Christian rap concert at the Christian University on Sunday night.

She is one of five children and is the first "orphan" I've met so far who's said both her parents have actually died. I wonder if this means they were good parents before they died, and that's why she seems so different, but I don't know. It must hurt so much.

Please, please pray for all the dynamics of Tanya and Katya and I living together as three instead of two. So far I feel very left out and useless when with both of them because they are becoming fast friends and can communicate both in better and faster Russian then I can, and in a lifetime of common experiences and aquaintances. Their friendship is more important than their relationships with me in that they will live together for two years and with me only three months, but I want to be friends with both of them. Also, I can live with Katya making me feel stupid when we're alone much better than when we're with Tanya, who I like a lot and want to get close to.

At the same time, Katya is very jealous of the family because she wants a family so badly and is insecure in belonging to this one. She sat around moping when Vera spent time talking to Tanya, and she told me it's her family and she doesn't like me inviting new girls like Kristina home to meet them. Right now she's being great friends with Tanya, and Tanya likes her a lot, but Vera tells me Katya has never been able to keep a friendship. On the other hand, Vera is also afraid of them pairing off and having secrets and excluding our influence.

And while Tanya seems eager to join us, she is worried about the long commute from our home to her school, which requires both metro and bus. Pray she won't chicken out.

So, since we have a clear idea of all these things that could go wrong, I need to ask God for the vision and reality of how this can go right and be a beautiful gift to the family, to Tanya, to Katya, and to me.

Clarifications

There are a lot of Tanyas, and the abusive one who lives with Little Marina and the sweet one coming to live with us are NOT the same person.

I use "Lucy" and "Lucia" interchangably.

Pray for Marina and Tanya!

Sorry this keeps changing. As of now, Marina is living in the dorm. She says she can’t come back to see Lucy this weekend because she is going to the camp with Tanya, the girl I said was a leader-type in the dorm. Tanya goes to the camp to sleep with boys and wants to set Marina up with one. Marina wants to come back and live with Lucy but she is afraid because Tanya hits her. Even if she moves out of the dorm completely, she still sees Tanya every day in sewing school.

This is so sick. Lucy says she needs to build a good relationship with Tanya. She gave her a big hug and invited her over. I asked her, “Are you faking it to help Marina, or do you really feel love for Tanya even when you know that she hits Marina?” Lucy said, “I feel great grief for her. If she doesn’t meet Jesus, she is going to hell because she did not ‘have respect to the orphan.’ That’s what I think of when I see her.” This perspective enables her to have such love! I never thought of believing in hell as liberating love, but it does.

Please pray about this weekend. Pray this down.

I Got To See Gulia!

We’ve been praying I could see Gulia, the 12-year-old girl who lived with my family this summer in America, and also meet Olya, her friend, a pastor’s wife who takes her in when she doesn’t have school.

This is taken and edited from an email to my family:

Tuesday I rode with Canadian Sabrina and Dutch couple Rueben & Elia to her orphanage. We left at 12:45 and arrived (this is by car, yay!) at 1:45. We waited in the lobby for the kids to finish school at 2. Gulia knew I was coming and ran to give me a big hug.

She looks a little different cuz she has bangs now, and she seems to have lost the weight she put on in America. She was wearing nice winter clothes but nothing that we gave her, and I saw one much older girl wearing the sketchers jacket. But Gulia said that she left all the summer clothes at Olya's and she keeps the suitcase locked on the winter clothes. I gave her photos of her last week. She left her album at Olya's cuz she forgot it, so I gave her the picture of M&D from my album. She left the CD player and sunglasses at Olya's on purpose. Shrek is still sitting in her room. I didn't realize how cool the CVS photo envelope with the peel off coupon things would be in the stark orphanage; she played with it for the whole of our visit! I got a picture of her room and met her best friend Nadia, age 13.

I had to sign a statement that I was taking her out for one hour and would be responsible for her health and safety during that time. The counselor dictated the enormous Russian words to me! She was allowed to go with me and Nadia was allowed to go with Sabrina, but there was a sewing class and no one else was released, although some of the girls who meet with Sabrina and Rueben and Elia every week cried. They don't want to go back on Tuesdays anymore and just frustrate the kids, so they tried to find a better day, but the orphanage is scheduling activities to keep the kids out of trouble - which really is an improvement - and so it'll be Saturdays whenever Sabrina can do Saturdays. E and R have to leave in two weeks for visa reasons, so then we have to take public transportation.

Gulia said she finished the comic strip Bible cover to cover, also still at Olya's. She said they are starting sport competitions soon, she has a lot of lessons, her sister visited Sunday. What grieved me the most is that she doesn't get to see Olya from the start of school Sept 1 to fall break in November. I thought she went to Olya's every weekend and I could meet them together, but she only goes on vacation times. She has school on Saturdays. So she isn't getting to go to church or getting that family/spiritual input, (or to use her cd player) til November. I can perhaps get in touch with Olya and go to church with her myself, but I have to wait to see them together.

If I had seen her in the orphanage context before I saw her in America I would have ungrudgingly spent every minute with her and done anything for her. It felt really jarring, because I'd only ever seen her in our family. It's so different. I don't really have any regrets because I did love her when she was with us, but I appreciate it more now. So little of it seemed left in that bare room of hers. She told me that at first she couldn't remember what our names were after she left us, but then she remembered.

She asked after the girls, Buddy, the parakeet, and the rabbits. I showed her pictures of Pinebrook and told her you started school and Claire got her license. She was glad to hear Buddy's eye got better.

Sabrina has been going to this orphanage weekly for four years. She said it's a bad environment; all the kids start smoking there, and she sees them becoming angry. She says they will be even more angry because she was like their relative who visited weekly, and now that's denied them. She says there are counselors who yell at them a lot, and when they hit the normal turbulence of teenager-hood there's nobody to help them, listen to them, guide them, or understand if they need to be alone. Other counselors are caring, but they have too many kids to care for to really be a parent to anybody. A lot of kids from this home go to America every year, and I asked her if this has an overall positive or negative effect. She said it depends on what kind of promises the family makes and whether they keep them. "If they make the kid feel like the family wants to keep them or have them back, and then don't, the kid feels rejection. If they just treat it like a vacation trip, it's OK. If they promise to keep in touch and don't, the kid feels rejection. If they do keep in touch, then it's a positive input in their life."

She knew Gulia earlier at her previous orphanage. She said she's seen Gulia's cheerfulness and confidence fading here, that she gets into these moods of "I can't do anything, I'm not good at anything." Last week I wrote Gulia a letter and sent it with Sabrina. Sabrina said Gulia had wanted to reply but she had told her that she wouldn't see me again until the day I came to visit Gulia myself, so there was no point. "Then it was like she was... stupid or something. It took me ten minutes to make her understand. And she wans't in a bad mood either, it seemed like she had an attention disorder or something." I'm wondering if this was the effect of emotion, because she told me how much she had wanted to write to me at once when she got my letter - and of course you know how impatient she is. She seemed very intelligent, together, and healthy when we talked, albeit less bubbly. She gave me three big hugs, one on arrival and two on departure, and at home she only hugged me when I gave in about something she wanted. I brought the camera, and although she submitted to the pictures I wanted to take, she didn't want to take the camera or take any of her own, which is VERY unlike her! I don't know if she was just subdued or if it isn't interesting to take pictures of her home environment, only America, or what. I asked, "do you remember this camera?" and she said "yes, it's the one that got lost."

I miss her very much, but I don't just miss her, I miss having her with you in our loving home. There were advantages to just talking in a lobby though - it was just the relationship, none of the materialism.

Marina told me a very interesting thing. She said, "there is a sense in which at whatever age the child entered the orphanage, that;s how mature they'll always be. If at 15, 15, if at 4, 4. After that, they aren't given reponsibilities." Gulia entered at 3. And Gulia is good, really really good, because she has olya and she doesn't have abusive memories. Vera said all kids from the orphanage scream your name from other rooms until you come instead of coming to you : D Apparently that's how it works there.

I should go. I miss you so much. I think either this system of orphans is all a bad dream, or our family was a good dream. It's hard to fit two such different worlds into one world. I'm waiting to wake up from one dream or the other.

Prayer Requests

- for Olya, wherever she is, to be protected and, if it's God's will, come back into my life
- for Kristina, 14-year-old from the orphanage Katya came from, that I met at a bowling event and whom Katya is helping me invite over to visit "to tell her about Jesus."
- for my relationship with Katya. This is the hardest thing so far, by far. She is critical and impatient with my language abilities and it's often hard to want to be around her. More than anything I want to not be afraid of her. At other times she is in a good mood, or even a spirutually open mood. I don't know how much to endure and how much to confront when she hurts me, especially when I don't know the words I need, but I feel guilty for letting her walk all over me.
- for Tanya, who wants to come live with us, is the sweetest little thing and very lonely at the dormitory. She turns 18 on Sept 20 and then she's free to choose where she lives. Pray she'll come and that her relationships with us all will be good. She accepted Christ at an event but has had little or no follow up since then.
-for a third girl of God's choosing
- for the possibility of teaching English at the dormitory
-for improving in Russian daily
- for three-year-old Vasilitisa, who was at a shelter-hospital and cried for her mother. I held her and didn't know what to say. I don't know her story; the kids are sent from there either back home or to an orphanage, but we can follow her with prayer.

Olya and the Dormitory

Our return trip wasn’t what we expected. We had our tea party with the deaf boys. We invited them to come bowling, which they did, and they have visited the boys’ apartment. We communicate by a sign language interpretor, lip reading, and one boy who can talk. They are great guys.

We found out that Olya ran away her first night and no one knows where she is. I took this really hard. I had so felt like God arranged us to meet her, we had plans to invite her over for the weekend, we had brought clothes for her, I had bought her French fries and took my picture with her, and that night I prayed for her and wondered if anybody had ever prayed for her before in her life – a weird thought, knowing the hundreds who pray for me. Was there something else we could have done or said? Where is she? Is she safe? I was upset about her for days.

We didn’t see Dasha and Ira again, but we met more girls:

Natasha, 15, who spends weekends with her parents, and says her dad only drinks every couple of weeks.

Anya, 16, who lives with her boyfriend in the village but keeps stuff at the dormitory. She doesn’t like to spend the night there.

And Ksusha, 17, their roommate, didn’t have time to tell us her story but a sweet girl.

A girl who seemed a leader said she weekends with a boyfriend and she had plans to introduce Marina to a boy too, so we couldn’t take her for the weekend. We were praying to get her out of there for the weekend! Marina, however, has decided to move back into Lucia’s apartment for good!

Lucia met a former classmate working there who welcomed us to come and speak to the kids about the transition homes! Lucia wants me to teach a weekly English class there. Pray for this.

To Everyone Who Gave Financially For this Trip

I am getting doubts about this whole cross-cultural missions thing. I feel like I’m spending all my emotional and physical and mental energy learning to survive in this unfamiliar environment, and not helping the Russian Christians who are doing the ministry, and that it’s like that for all Americans so much of the time. I get doubts and think you all made a poor investment, that my being here isn’t benefiting anyone but me.

I have the bulletin insert from my commissioning service. It says you committed me to the moment by moment grace of God, and believe God will equip me to do everything that God wants me to accomplish. It was God you believed in, not me (if anybody believes in me, please transfer it to Him, I can’t live up to it!)

Praise Him for all I'm learning and pray He does all He wants to do.

Visiting the Dormitory

Lucia and I went to visit Marina at her dormitory. We weren't even sure they'd let us in, but they gave us blanket permission to return. Lucia is so brave! Marina seemed to be doing very well. Marina's room mate was just moving in. Her name is Olya and she is studying sewing with Marina at the technical school. Age 17, she was put in the orphange at 15 because she kept running away from an abusive, drinking family. They put her with Marina because neither of them smokes or drinks, "our good girls." She's so sweet, I liked her a lot and we invited her to visit our apartment and consider living there. We took them to MacDonalds to talk.

We met two girls hanging out in the stairs, Dasha and Ira. Ira had a cigarette in one hand a beer in the other, yet her face was so young and innocent and Lucia chatted with them for a long time, and they though my accent was cute. We plan to return and have tea with them all on Thursday.

Praise the Lord

The Director said yes - he canceled our meeting and said he'll just do the paperwork!

September 4

Visiting the Orphanage

On the first of September we went to the school-opening festival for Katya at her orphanage school. Katya is 15 and in ninth grade so she is living in the family home but would otherwise still be in the orphanage, and she commutes back for school. Her new director wants all the proper legal documentation done for her to be living with us. She has asked me to PRAY THAT SHE CAN STAY HERE.
I saw the building and her room there, and the girls in it now. The building was really, really nice, with chandeliers and a paneled auditorium, and the bedrooms were twice the size of what she shares with me here. All the kids were very dressed up, as were the teachers, and they sang songs and did a funny skit about starting school. I had only seen the rural summer camps, which are primitive, and thought the orphanage in the city would be like that.
I told Katya they had a very nice building. She just shrugged and said, “they’re renovating there like we’re renovating here.” But it isn’t because the children at her orphanage are being starved or kept in poor conditions that she so wants to stay here, it’s just that having a family instead of an institution, and knowing God, make such a difference.

What Am I Doing?

Pray for figuring out what I should be doing. I thought I was going to be with three girls here. But there’s only Katya right now: Sasha has to decide, and the third girl probably won’t come for quite some time, I don’t know how much before my departure on Dec 1. And now there’s the possibility of losing Katya. So it’s very up in the air. I have several offers to help at the MK school, visit different orphanages, etc., and I’m studying, helping around the house, learning to cook Russian food, and spending time with Katya.
Masha, who helped me go to Estonia, has been to America as a translator on Gulia’s program and she is trying to contact Gulia’s director for me. Pray I can get through to them and see her. I also need to meet Galina; I’ve been looking around for a church to recommend to her.

Dancing at Russian Church

This Sunday I went to Lucia’s church. It was huge, several hundred people. They were singing with incredible joy, waving flags, and a bunch down in front dancing, singing, “Jesus is risen! Jesus is risen!” Of course I have to join anything where people are dancing : ) They took my hands without a question. Russians look so dour and somber in public, it was amazing to see them that happy. I was really encouraged that it was so big and apparently entirely free of American input; they had found a Russian way to have a church today.
The service was from 11 to 2, with a Russian length sermon. I would have enjoyed that more if I could understand more of it. There were children everywhere. People were in and out and up and down and standing around the sides throughout. They blessed the children again as they sent them out for Sunday school. Kids who had been at camp sang a song they wrote. Then there was a baby dedication. Then a bride and groom came forward and said their wedding vows! (They’ll go have their own party afterwards and get the judicial marriage; since it has no legal weight, a church wedding is only added on by believers – but I never expected it to be included into the Sunday morning service!)

Prayer Requests

- Pray that God will help me relax. My stress level about everything is ten times higher here. Katya told me I am very serious and careful and never silly and relaxed. I told her I need my little sister around and then I can be silly all day, but she’s right, my heart rate never seems to go down. Pray for good ways to be goofy : )

- Pray I’ll find the cord that connects my camera to the computer and can show you all pictures of everything. And pray my parents aren’t too upset when they read this request :D

- PRAISE that Katya has been opening up to me in amazing ways. Pray for her and for the dynamics of the new girls whenever they come.

Possible New Girl Sasha

Possible New Girl Sasha

I don’t know about the two Tanyas now, but there is a girl named Sasha, age 18, who visited our home while I was in Estonia and will come live with us if she wants to. She is from Gulia’s orphanage! She visited the states several times on the hosting program and a family wanted to adopt her and her younger sister, but she is too old now. They’re still involved in her life and trying to adopt the sister. She is going to clothing design school and can choose to either live with us or live in a dormitory. Her director hopes she comes to us so she doesn’t fall in with the wrong crowd.

The Dormitories

All the girls have the option to live in the dormitory, or in the family. Lucia says usually they all go back to the dormitory after a month in the family, and then those that return again to us from that are the ones that stick it out for two years. In the dormitory they are given meals and can watch TV all day with no rules or responsibilities (then they’re thrown out in the world, some actually believing food just grows in refrigerators, Lucia says). The family life is rigorous. At this point Marina is planning to go back to the dormitory for another year.

I Went To Estonia - SURPRISE!

I Went to Estonia - SURPRISE!

Ha ha, I wasn’t allowed to tell anybody about this problem until it was solved, so I could only hope you were praying in general. All foreigners must register their presence in Russia within three days of arriving, or they can be arrested and pay hefty fines. Well, the organization that issued my invitation was to register me. Eight days after arriving they called and said they had forgotten about it, and I was illegal. I was told not to tell anyone and to not speak English on public transportation. Everybody knows me now as “Elizabeth that we didn’t register in time” because it seems like the problem was delegated to everyone!

Eventually they gave up and said I’d have to leave the country and return so I’d have new paperwork saying I just entered Russia and they could register me within three days of that. The easiest way to do this was to put me on a bus to Estonia, walk around the border city of Narva for two hours, and come back. I was excited to see a third country and to travel by myself. My bus left at 7 am and I memorized how to get to the metro, how to ride to the bus station, and how to get on the right bus. I know if my parents had known, my mother would have worried about me taking food and studying the route and my father would have made sure I had all the tickets and money and documents in specfic pockets and a list of the pockets. I realized as I was leaving that I had done the same thing myself! I bought groceries, made a list, and drew up directions with great concern. So anyway, you grow up like your parents.

In the end though Katya had to go with me to the train station because it was still dark leaving the house at 6. I dug an American alarm clock out of my suitcase and set it to Russian time, and then set the alarm for 5. We got up quietly. It was really, really dark. We were just going out the front door when I saw my watch said 5 – I set the alarm wrong to Russian time and we got up at 4! God gave Katya grace to not be mad; she fried eggs for breakfast and then we left.

In Estonia it was pouring rain and freezing cold. I carefully walked around the bus station and memorized how to get back to it, and then set off to find an establishment with a restroom. There were no restaurants, and everybody who possibly could be at home drinking tea was. The only tourist attraction nearby was an ancient church closed for renovations. I felt like a homeless person. I was in a country where nobody had ever heard of me, where I knew no one, and had nothing to do and nowhere to go and no tie to anything except a bus ticket back to Petersburg. I ate my lunch at a bus stop where a band of ten year old boys watched and pretended to want some. I wandered and wandered and finally came to a hotel where I used the bathroom and sat on a lounge sofa and read, and nobody kicked me out. I had been told to set my watch back one hour for the Estonian time change, so I did. My bus back left at 2pm. I found my way back to the bus station OK at 1:30. There I found that it was 2:30.

I asked at the information window if I could use my ticket for the next train. They said to go to the cashier. I wandered into three buildings before finding the cashier was right next to the info desk! Feeling that I looked pretty dumb I asked again, they say I should buy another ticket and return the missed one in St. Pete. They said I couldn’t buy the next one til they saw if there was room. I felt myself starting to cry. I kept saying to myself, “this is funny, this really is funny – oh why an I crying and not laughing?” but I could only grit my teeth and try not to hate all the Estonians who could tell I was crying.

Anyway, the next bus wasn’t even half full and I got on it and paid the driver and rode back and they gave me the needed document at the border, and all is well.

Making Dinner With Marina

Lucia left me home with Marina several times because Marina’s not allowed home alone. She told Marina to make mashed potatoes and fry beef and I should sit in the kitchen and help her with any problems. Marina’s self-confidence was zero. Absolute zero. Non-stop she was saying,

“It’s going to taste bad and nobody will like it. They’ll all throw up and then they’ll kick me out and I’ll live on the street and fall under a train. It’s my first time. If you don’t like it it’s my first time. Nobody will like it. I don’t know how big to cut them - I need to call Lucia. You aren’t doing it right. I’m not going to eat it. It’ll be terrible and I won’t eat it. I’m afraid. I can’t do this. I’ll just quit and then Lucia will be mad at me. Nobody will like it…”

I’m just like “Marina, you’re doing fine. They’ll like it. It’s OK. It’s just mashed potatoes. They look great…” And she would not believe me, wouldn’t even listen. I knew she was just going to have to wait and see for herself that it would be ok. The stream of negative thinking just kept coming out of her mouth. It was like listenng to the devil in your head saying “you are going to fail.” She was completely too stressed to do two things at once, so I took over the beef and I was a little nervous cuz I’ve never done anything with Russian canned meat before but I was just interested to see how it would turn out. I realized I wasn’t afraid to fail. And Marina wasn’t free to fail at all. It was emotionally exhausting, much more time with her and I would have started to believe we’d end up smashed under trains.

Eventually I found Gary watching soccer and said “this is the seventeenth time she’s said no one will like it. Please walk into the kitchen and tell her you think you will like it.” Gary sauntered over and said, “smells delicious, good job.” Marina stopped complaining for two minutes. Then she started again. She said there weren’t going to be enough potatoes, which did look like it might be true. I said, “Marina, I am going to pray for you.” She stopped talking. I said, “Dear Heavenly Father, I think this looks and smells great and I will like it, but Marina is worried about it. Please give her peace Lord, in Jesus name. And please let there be enough for everyone. In Jesus name amen.” That got me another two minutes and some peace for myself, and then Pam came out and gave her a hug and said she loved mashed potatoes and Marina started smiling, and then we said it was her first mashed potatoes and took photos for Lucia, who said they looked beautiful.

Whoever cooks says grace, so Marina prayed and thanked God that it had been ok, and we all enjoyed the potatoes. Then I had to go lie down. I was praying I wouldn’t get sick from the anxiety and then she’d think it was her food. I told Gary “those were spiritual warfare potatoes” and he said God had multiplied them like Jesus’ loaves in answer to my prayer, and Marina has swallowed the words spoken over her, that she can’t do anything right and she will fail.

I thought I posted this August 20... sorry

Traveling
I had several God-arranged meetings on the plane. The first person to sit next to me was a trustee of Kutztown University, who was interested in the work my dad is doing there (trying to start a chapter of Men Against Sexual Violence) and gave me a business card for him.
My second neighbor was an Egyptian who was returning to Egypt for his sister’s wedding. He told me he was a Christian and had fled to the United States because he was receiving threats if he did not convert to Islam. I was just reading the prophecy in Isaiah about Egypt turning to the Lord, so I showed it to him, and he said, "Yes, that’s what we were for nine hundred years." His Christianity was a beautiful tradition from his family and from Egypt’s past, and he was willing to suffer rather than give it up. But he couldn’t seem to understand why, when I could live in America, I would choose to go to Russia, where it’s economically harder and more dangerous.
Plans
Marina and Katya picked me up at the airport around 1:30 pm. Katya is one of the three girls, the only one who lived with Vera and Volodya at this home last year. The two new girls are at camp and Katya hasn’t met them yet. The two little boys are at their grandmother’s while we work on remodeling this apartment. On Monday Vera and Volodya will take a 5-day trip to get the boys (it’s a two-day drive ) and Katya will do go to camp, and I will spend five days at the other transition home with the American couple, Pam and Gary, and the three girls with them.
The Apartment
The kitchen isn’t done yet so we have only a stove. No refrigerator, so we buy one day’s food at a time. The bathroom’s done so we have a nice shower. So far the weather’s been very, very hot, which I wasn’t expecting at all. They are actually looking forward to the imminent cold.
We’re on the fifth floor, no elevator. They apologized a lot for that, but I’m enjoying it so far: I don’t have to carve out time to exercise. It’s a nice apartment. I’m to have my own room, but move around for a few days as we move from room to room painting them. We’re trying to get it all done before school begins the beginning of September, so I’m told the schedule is stay up late (12-1:00 am) to paint after Volodya gets home from work in the evening, and sleep later in proportion, and when school starts "we will have a regime then."
Shopping
We have an IKEA and spent all day Saturday there buying furniture for our finished rooms. All the beds are fold-out couches to safe space in the daytime. We have a Wal-Mart type store too, so there is very little I can’t get here.
The Program
Marina tuns three apartments in St. Petersburg, 2 for girls and one for boys:
-me, Vera, and Volodya, Katya, and two new girls coming
-Lucia, an American couple named Gary and Pam who’ve been here since May, and four girls
-Kolya and his family already have a boy named Misha, and an American student named Max is coming in September to help. They have two new boys coming.
On Friday night the workers of all three met together. It was an incredibly encouraging and eye-opening time. Everyone gave a testimony of what brought them here and what advice they had learned, and it’s so much bigger than me. People in America make such a big deal about me coming here, but for Vera and Volodya and Lucia and Marina, it’s their normal lives, and without any glory they’re doing this, just because they love Jesus, not because any American told them to or paid them to.
And they love long and hard; they said Katya resisted them for her entire first year and only softened this summer. "She knows how difficult she is," Vera said, "and everybody before us has given up on her. She was waiting for us to, and we didn’t. Especially for Volodya; she had no respect for him for a year, because she had no good opinion of men. I kept telling her, ‘He is my husband and the head of this family and I respect him.’ Now she says if she has to have a husband to have children, she wants him to be like Volodya. She’ll do anything he says."
Misha had an apartment from the government, and the mafia was trying to get him to sell it to them, with promises and threats. Apparently the government gave apartments in a brand-new building to many orphans and put it on TV, and now the mafia is going after them. Marina says 70% are no longer in their apartments.
Gary and Pam are spending two years here, and then going to do the same thing long-term in Siberia.
Extended Family
Vera’s sister, Tanya, is pregnant and in the hospital waiting for a C-Section, and her other sister, Nadia, is visiting us for two weeks to help out. She is my idea of the real Russian woman, the best of Russia. She arrived on an overnight train ride and wasn’t tired walking around IKEA all day afterwards, she built her own banya and grows her own vegetables and loves to feed everybody and take care of everybody.
Church
On Sunday I went to Vera and Volodya’s church. It meets in a conference building, and is about twice the size of our little church at home. It’s casual and has loud electric guitars and all ages. Both the pastor and his wife shared messages. It went from 11-1:30. People came in late at all times up to half-way through the service.
They have an emphasis on blessing things. Before they dismissed the children they had the whole congregation bless them. Beslan is still on their minds; there was a great deal of prayer for and about Muslims connected with the children. We also blessed the service, and the upcoming camp Katya’s attending, and the two people who came forward when there was an invitation to believe. I liked how they did that; those people who prayed were then asked to introduce themselves, given a Bible and a book, and then the pastor asked who’d brought them and instructed that person to make sure they met the others after the service – it was about not just joining with Christ, but His people as well.
My Role
I told Vera I’m afraid of being yet another child for her to take care of, since I really don’t know much about "independent life skills" in Russia. She said that was fine with her because an example of a respectful and cooperative girl would be invaluable. I was really praying about my online college course because I didn’t want it to take away from the family that I had to spend time studying. Vera said I had already impressed Katya that I wanted to study and would do so in summer and of my own volition, and she was glad. I was amazed that God used the thing I was most afraid of being unhelpful as the first thing that helped!
We are all to cook once a week. This is scaring me the most right now; I haven’t cooked much since I was 14, let alone without an English cookbook or familiar ingredients, on a gas stove that you light with a match and an oven with just one setting, for 7 people, in metric measurements… pray about this one.
After the redecorating is over, we’ll have evening devotions again (right now we have them in the morning without Vova) and she wants me to lead every other one, and lead in singing once a week – they have a guitar. And especially, she wants me to go with the girls to the church’s youth group "so they connect to the life of the church" and she hasn’t been able to do this well since she can’t join the youth group herself.
People I am hanging out with and will be referring to, so you can keep them straight! : )
Volodya/Vova – husband at my apartment
Vera – wife at my apartment
Nickita – 6-year-old son of Vera and Volodya
Sasha – 3-year old son of Vera and Volodya
Tanya 1 – Vera’s sister
Kirill – Tanya’s husband
Nadia – Vera and Tanya’s other sister, who lives south of Moscow
Marina – director of the program
Lucia – head of the other girls’ apartment
Gary and Pam – American couple at Lucia’s apartment
Katya – girl at our apartment
Natasha – girl at our apartment last year, now engaged
Tanya 2 – new girl soon coming to our apartment
Nelly – girl who was at our apartment last year
Liza – Nelly’s twin sister, who was at Lucia’s last year
Lyuda – girl who works and lives in a dormitory, and spends half her time at Lyuda’s
Little Marina – the newest girl at Lucia’s
Katya – girl at Lucia’s on her second year
Gulya – 12 year old girl who stayed with my family this summer in the states
Sasha and Olya – pastor and his wife who take in Gulya every weekend
Galina – orphanage worker who came to Christ while escorting Gulya to America
Excursion to visit Deaf Orphans at Camp
On Monday the 20 Lucia took me, Gary, Little Marina and Misha to a camp where six deaf orphans are staying. They are adorable. They communicate with sign language to each other, and can do some lip reading of us. I got them to teach me my name in their sign alphabet. One of them has an American woman who sought to adopt her, but the Russian caretaker believes the Americans want her for body parts and won’t let her go. The woman brings her clothes and shoes, and she calls her "mother." The rest had shoes with holes and asked us to bring some, so we wrote down their sizes.
This camp is north of the city even farther than the one I was at with my dad last summer; it took a total combination of four buses and two trains to get there and back. One train was delayed for an hour and a half; we sat on the platform eating sunflower seeds and I heard Lucia’s story. So we left at 11 am and returned at 8 pm, getting one hour with the kids and a lot of experience on public transportation!
Amazing stories:
Lucia
I have one brother – he works at camp; he also loves children. My mother died when I was fifteen; then I had no one. She was an alcoholic and we were very poor. I lived on the street. I begged, washed cars, collected bottles. I know the street children’s world. Each one has a place to beg and you have to pay for this place. Everyone has a leader.
When I was nine I went into the church, and the pastor and his wife there became parents for me. My mother came to the church with me. She repented and threw away her drink. But then she became very sick, and couldn’t walk. We prayed and the Lord healed her and she stood up again. She started a group for alcoholics in our home, for all her old friends.
But after one month she grew sick again and died. I was fifteen. Again I went out on the street; I sang songs, I gathered bottles. I prayed, "God if I just had some money we could buy food and some furniture" – we had no bed and slept on the floor - "and then I will serve you all my life and help the children who are like I was." I started to work as a counselor at an orphanage; I stayed there at night and in the daytime I studied at the university - my brother never saw me at home! Then Marina met me and invited me to run a transitional home. I couldn’t believe I could be mama or big sister to the girls. That was when I was nineteen and now I’m 24.
Little Marina
Lucia tells me Marina comes from a smaller orphanage with a family-like setting, a kitchen together, etc. "The only thing is, they lock the children in. They don’t let them go anywhere unless they can say where and why, and every day they are told ‘you are too stupid to go out and to use the metro.’ Marina is 20 but she is like 8." I wouldn’t say she is that young. She’s very sweet and has amazing faith. When I met her she was returning from a sleepover at her friend’s, and had been crying. Gary said she always cries when she parts from her friend; that her life is so insecure she is never sure she’ll see her friend again. He also told me,
"The story of how we got her is amazing. Lucia went to pick her up at camp, but she arrived a few days later than they’d planned. When she opened the door Marina was sitting in a room with other children saying, ‘There IS a God and somebody does want me and she is coming for me, there IS a God and somebody loves me.’ At this moment Lucia was opening the door, so Marina turned around and said, ‘See, I told you! Here she is!’

Prayer Requests

Prayer requests:
1. Today Marina the director and Nadia, Vera’s sister in law, were robbed loading furniture into their car. A man grabbed their purses and drove away. Marina is scarped up from pulling on the purses when he started driving. Marina says “He looked like a small mafia. I don’t need the money, but our passports and my car papers. I can’t drive without them and Nadia can’t travel back to Moscow. The police were very kind and now they are looking.” Praise the Lord for that, and pray it’s recovered.
Later: PRAISE! the thieves answred the cell phone and told us where they left the passports after taking the money! and we got them.
2. Pray for a girl who has a two-year-old child and was suicidal. She had agreed to join our program but her boyfriend has pressured her out of it. Pray she may change her mind, or for her protection elsewhere.
3. Gary’s request is for the girls to desire to start reading the scriptures on their own besides the group devotions.
4. Pray for the two new girls coming to our apartment.
5. Pray for Marina’s adjustment. She threatens to leave every time something discourages her.
6. Pray for Ira’s studies, that she’ll do well and persevere this year. Through a great deal of persuasion Lucia has got her into a regular college instead of one for orphans, which is never allowed, and how she does will affect future orphans. Lucia says Ira tends to give up when she doesn’t understand something (most of them seem like that; they don‘t have the confidence to fail). Also, Lucia missed a meeting with the teachers while finding the stolen documents - pray she can explain to them.
7. Tomorrow Pam is having surgery for gall bladder stones. Praise that we found out what was making her sick.

Prayer Requests

Prayer requests:
1. Today Marina the director and Nadia, Vera’s sister in law, were robbed loading furniture into their car. A man grabbed their purses and drove away. Marina is scarped up from pulling on the purses when he started driving. Marina says “He looked like a small mafia. I don’t need the money, but our passports and my car papers. I can’t drive without them and Nadia can’t travel back to Moscow. The police were very kind and now they are looking.” Praise the Lord for that, and pray it’s recovered.
Later" PRAISE! The thieves answered the cell phone and told us where they left the papers after stealing the money!!!!
2. Pray for a girl who has a two-year-old child and was suicidal. She had agreed to join our program but her boyfriend has pressured her out of it. Pray she may change her mind, or for her protection elsewhere.
3. Gary’s request is for the girls to desire to start reading the scriptures on their own besides the group devotions.
4. Pray for the two new girls coming to our apartment.
5. Pray for Marina’s adjustment. She threatens to leave every time something discourages her.
6. Pray for Ira’s studies, that she’ll do well and persevere this year. Through a great deal of persuasion Lucia has got her into a regular college instead of one for orphans, which is never allowed, and how she does will affect future orphans. Lucia says Ira tends to give up when she doesn’t understand something (most of them seem like that; they don‘t have the confidence to fail).
7. Tomorrow Pam is having surgery for gall bladder stones. Praise that we found out what was making her sick.

who/what/where

This sweet letter is from the Russian program director, describing what I will be doing.

"The family you are going to stay consist of the couple Volodya and Vera and their 2 little boys Nickita 6 yo and Sasha 3 yo. Last year they had 3 orphan girls staying with them the whole year. Two of them graduated this year and they are going to take 2 new girls. It is not going to be easy because the orphan kids are very wounded emotionally and some of them physically. They need a lot of help with healing of their emotions. You will be a great help for the family. The father Volodya is working all day long and it is hard for Vera to deal with 3 orphan girls and 2 little boys of her own. The girls are studing at school during the day. They come home some time after 2pm or 3 pm. Every night they have Bible study after dinner. We bought an apartment for this family. The apartment is needed to be renovated a lot. Don't be surprised when you see ! some rooms not finished yet. You are welcome to help. They go to the church on Sundays. We love you and thank you for your willing to come and help."

New trip dates

I'm now planning to leave for St. Petersburg on August 15, and still return on December 1.